


The First

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Dear Evan Hansen References, Ghost Evan Hansen, Help, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Dear Evan Hansen, M/M, POV Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), POV Evan Hansen, Suicide, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:30:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: _Ill have a new summary_Evan Hansen was announced dead and Connor couldn't help but feel remorseful. Out of pity he put some flowers on the boys grave and went to the park to clear his head, only to meet someone he didn't think he would be meeting somebody else in the dead of the night





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know the summary sucks right now but ill change it.
> 
> I'll try to update as much as possible.
> 
> Evan Is transgender FTM in this.
> 
> WARNING: cussing, Mention, and discussion of suicide, self-harm, mental health, and disorders. Drug use and mention. I don't know what else. 
> 
> Please enjoy =)

X X X  X X X X  X  X X X X  X

  
  


I don't notice people. I'm reserved and like to stay in my own bubble of myself and nobody else. I never notice the people around me and I surely don't give a shit. I don't know why I've never cared, I've just never found it in me too. I care about people close to me sure, but a stranger I see once in a while means nothing to me. 

The school announced Evan Hansen dead. He took his own life. I didn't know much about him, only that he was this shy quiet kid who had only one shitty friend. I pushed him in the hall and tried apologizing by putting my name in annoyingly bold letters on his cast that he wore after breaking his arm. 

“So, how did you break your arm?”

“I-uh fell...Out of, a tree.”

“You fell out of a tree? Well, that's the saddest fucking thing I ever heard.”

I don't think I was being nice, but being an asshole Is kind of my reputation. I constantly think about our last encounter. Mainly because it was two days later when it was announced that he offed himself. I started to wonder if I was a contributing factor I mean, I called him a freak, pushed him to the ground, insulted him, ruined his cast, and accused him of setting me up. Honestly. Who wouldn't want to end their life after that? I was stupid about it. Evan Hansen was one of the most conserved people of the school, it was too far fetched. I guess that's what I get for being so damn paranoid all the time. 

So, of course, I can't help but blame myself a little. That got me thinking about why he did It. I can relate to him In a sense, I've had my fair share of suicide experiences myself. I've overdosed, almost jumped off a damn bridge but lost the balls to do it, and some bothersome thoughts and actions over the years. But Evan never seemed to be the type to actually...Do It. It takes balls, first of all. You know that if you succeed you truly don't know what's going to happen...For yourself and the people around you. Actually going through with the action is a fear adrenaline rush as it is. It takes guts. Evan was quiet, and couldn't talk to a wall without stuttering. He sat in the back and was afraid of basically anything. He was weak, to say the least, just this obvious broken kid that anybody could tease on. I can confidently say that Evan Hansen had no balls. 

Well, that Is both metaphorical and literal. He didn't have any balls as in courage, and genitals.

Nobody calls him Evan. Some people do, but for a very vast majority, everybody knows him as Emma. Yeah, its 2019, transgender people exist. I guess our school just isn't with our time. I would be considerate and say that it's because we live in a small-ish town that is pretty reserved but I don't see that as an excuse. 

I never understood the concept or  _ why  _ but I'm not  _ that much _ of an asshole to completely disrespect a person. And Evan always seemed uncomfortable. When I first talked to him years ago I called him Evan, and there was a look in his eye that made me want to crawl into a ball and cry. I can't describe the look, but I can describe the smile and blush he tried to hide. After his name left my mouth all his nervous little ticks came to a halt as he looked up at me with almost teary eyes, a soft smile planted on his face. He looked relieved. His shoulders resting down, so they weren't up to his face like usual, and I could almost hear a small sigh that escaped his mouth. I still don't understand the concept of being transgender, but that look he gave me was something I never forgot, and It made me understand, even a little.

That was only freshman year mind you, and I didn't talk to him after that.

Well, all of that aside, he’s dead. Another teen suicide to add to the books. I feel bad, and I didn't think that I would. When the news was broken nobody looked...Remorseful. Just confused. It was announced in the lunchroom, they told us and everybody wore a shocked expression that didn't last too long. My eyes landed on Jared Kleinman for some reason. Evans only friend. I don't like him, he beats me on the asshole scale if I'm being honest. He treats everybody like garbage and has no human consideration.

I don't know why Evan was always with him, but they sat at the same table together, were beside each other in the halls and Jared seemed to be the only one willing to make conversation with Evan. I stared at him from across the room where I usually stayed at lunch. I wasn't at a table but in the corner with my sketchbook and headphones that occasionally played music.

It was pretty obvious that he didn't know about Evan until that moment. The look on his face was full of surprises like everybody else's was, but something different. I couldn't see him that well but his body language said it all. His shoulders slouched forward and I could see his chest rising and lowering faster than normal. What caught my attention was the fact that he stood up, threw his tray away, and walked out of the cafeteria without a word.

X

It's been a week now and it's all died down, life is normal. Jared hasn't been at school though, I noticed that instantly. Zoe kept bringing the topic up at home though.

I was IN the kitchen, our parents were gone so I could walk around my own I was wrong about the peaceful part because I heard a familiar voice behind me.

“You knew her, Didn’t you?” I knew what Zoe was talking about. It was Evan. It made me cringe at the pronoun though. I thought of the innocent, broken but relieved look he held when I called him Evan In freshman year. I couldn't bear to think of the look he would have on his face if he heard Zoe talking to him like that.

“Why do you give a shit?” I replied, closing the fridge door and turning to her.

“How can I not Connor?” She asked with a sigh, “Look I saw you two days before she died. You pushed her to the ground-”

“I apologized. I signed-his-cast.” I crossed my arms, leaning against the kitchen counter. I just wanted a snack, not to be interrogated.

“His? Wha-”

“Zoe you know damn well he came out before high school even started so don't play dumb with me.”

She stared at me for a long while, opening her mouth but closing it just as fast.

“You know, maybe why that's why he killed himself. Because nobody gave a shit.”

She didn't respond.

X X  X X X  X X  X  X X X  X  X


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on. Well, for everybody but Connor Murphy. HE has thing tangy feeling of guilt, regret, and just feeling like an unshakable piece of shit.
> 
> He decides to visit an old friend, who shares some solid advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the update was kinda slow. My life sucks complete ass at the moment.
> 
> Another apology: I am not satisfied with this at the slightest holy hell but I need to get it out so

Every day feels like such a drag and a waste of time. It isn't even because of Hansen's death, It's just always been this way. Every day is the same, go to school, come home, sleep. My life has never been anything considerably interesting. It's always felt like a chore.

Maybe that's how Evan felt. Like every day was just this repeat button that he couldn't escape from. Or maybe he was done with everyone's bullshit, Kelinemens, mine, everyone. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Why should I care? I talked to the kid all but three times. But all three times he barely looked me in the eye. I mean, I know I can be scary, but to the point where somebody won't make eye contact? Ouch.

It's been a month since Hansen died and almost nothing changed. Alana Beck has been fighting to put a memorial up somewhere In the school. I don't blame the principal for hesitating. It's basically saying that our school Is complete shit, to the point where somebody would want to off themselves. Which isn't wrong. 

Kelinmen is  _ still _ gone and I can't think of why. He left mere moments after the school told us that Evan was dead, and he hasn't come back. I could care less about Jared himself, I just have the question of  _ why _ hanging over me.

Honestly, my mind is bombarded with the question of **_why_** _._ Like, **_why_** did Evan kill himself? **Why** hasn't Jared been at school? **Why** Is Alana trying to put a memorial up when she obviously never knew him? **Why** Is Zoe on my case about this? And, the most important one: **Why** do I care?

I do and I don't know why. I just do. It's a feeling more than anything, bubbling and cooking in my gut, like a huge weight that a bodybuilder cant hold. I can't figure it out and it has become increasingly frustrating.

X

Frustrating to the point where it's easier to just skip school altogether. I don't know why I feel so shitty. I think Its guilt, and I think Zoe Is right. She keeps pestering me, asking what happened the day I pushed him and I just keep on brushing it off, putting that thought in the back of my brain.

But these past few days the thought has been fighting to the front of my mind. I pushed Evan and called him a freak, I “Apologize” by signing his cast, calling him a loner and saying his story of falling out of a tree was the saddest thing yet. I give him his paper only to take it back and look at it and accuse him of trying to get to my sister and being a creep. I run out. Evan goes missing for two days and is then announced dead.

  
  


I stopped in my tracks.  _ It's my goddamn fault. _

The reality of it hits like a bag of bricks swung at me full force. I mean, the puzzle pieces are there. It's all together like a horrifying picture of truth. 

“Hey watch it, kid.” I heard somebody grumble, something hitting my right shoulder. I jumped and looked around, I was still standing on the sidewalk. A few steps ahead was the flower shop I used to work at, and still visit before my walks to the park.

I forced my feet to unstick from the concrete (left, right, left, right) and into the flower shop. Opening the door I heard the familiar  _ ding  _ of the bell chime. I honestly don't know why I'm here. I just am. The boy, an Asian exchange student going to the local private school, waved at me.

“Connor! How's It Going?” He smiled brightly. It was weird hearing him speak English with an almost unnoticeable accent. When I worked here It was me and him, and he had no idea what anybody was saying. Nobody really came into the shop so I spent most of the time teaching him basic English. That and classes he took In school seemed like they were paying off.

“Hey J,” I said. His real name was too long and I never even tried.

“What’s brought you here?”

“Hell If I know.”

My hands stayed stuffed In my pockets as I looked around the room. The smell was always complicated, different scents combined into a tiny room making it almost suffocating. The only way to describe the smell would be, A unicorns shit.

That's where my creativity ends. 

“Hey...Can I ask you something?” I asked, leaning on the counter.

“Of course.”

“Have you heard of that kid killed himself?”

There was a short pause, and I watched as he furrowed his eyebrows and hummed.

“Yeah, I did, Wasn't It a girl though?”

I scoffed, “As If. He was trans, honestly, I thought everybody knew this.”

“Oh? Sorry I didn't know.”

“Yeah that's cool, but the kids at our school knew, but nobody seems to give a shit.”

“uh...Yeah. Connor, what's wrong with all of this? It isn't like you..?

He was right. All the cute Asian boys are smart, aren't they?

“Yeah, I know. It's annoying. But I've been...Trying to justify myself I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

I told him about my whole theory, It's not so much a theory. I think I've convinced myself by this point. How can I not? All the pieces are connected. I killed him.  _ I fucking killed Evan Hansen. _

“Wait, seriously?”

“No, this is all an elaborate joke,” I glared. “Of course this shit is serious! I've been so fucking torn about it ever since he died man. I don't know what the feeling is. I fucking hate feelings” I sighed bringing my hands up to my temples. Fucking headache.

“Well, there's not much you can do,”

“Yeah, no shit.”

“But, do you know if he was buried or not?”

I looked back up at the blue-haired boy. It's funny, I actually know the answer. 

“Uhm, I'm pretty sure his mother has his ashes but they made a little gravestone in the cemetery.”

“Okay,” He said, turning around to the hung up bouquets beside the sink and counter. On the counter, small vases sat, some glass and clear, some plastic and colorful. I do not miss having to wait for somebody to choose a damn vase.

“rose or carnation? Actually, carnation. They're beautiful and roses are overused.”

He said, grabbing two pink colored carnation flowers and going to the sink, pouring a packet of sugar and filling the tiny vase with water and setting the two flowers inside of it. 

“What are you doing?” I asked, watching carefully.

“I want you to do something.” He went back to the counter and set the vase on it, pushing them towards me.

“You remember what pink carnations mean right?”

“Remembrance of deceased? They are used at funerals often...Where are you going with this?” I honestly had a good idea

He smiled, tilting his head and giving me a little amused look, “I want you to put these on his grave and say a few words. Apologize. Rant. Say whatever. Leave the flowers there.”

The cute Asian boys are always right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets super juicy after this, so bear with me. I gotta get the boring shit out of the way.
> 
> Leave Kudos and comments! It honestly makes my day.
> 
> Yeah this shit sucks im sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please leave kudos and comments so I know posting this is even worth it.
> 
> I will update as much as possible because I know how fucking annoying it is when the author doesn't post.
> 
> This story was originally for OCs but I really thought it fit the theme of DEH and I'm super excited for it.
> 
> Any constructive criticism or suggestions is encouraged if you see something wrong or have a suggestion.
> 
> Have a nice day yall 
> 
> From, 
> 
> B
> 
> P.S: I had a panic attack because my computer decided to say 'fuck you' and delete everything but I was able to restore it so please pray for me lmao


End file.
